“The first dead person fart I ever heard scared me so badly I could have fainted.”

"That is, until the mortician's assistant, a man who'd been working the trade for over a decade, looked at the guy on the table and said, 'I shouldn't have taken a week off.' I asked why. 'Because I'm seeing his chest move again.' I laughed. The assisting mortician shook his head, looked the guy over several times before checking for a pulse in the wrist and neck. He told me to call 911 immediately. The guy was alive. Barely, but he was alive. The head mortician told us that it was the fourth time he had seen a patient come back to life in his 40 years in the funeral industry. I have no idea what happened to the guy, but for the remainder of the time I worked there, he did not come back."

"I was convinced there was a fucking Grudge demon living in there, and it was gonna scamper up the fucking ceiling and drop on me. I decided that if it was a monster, then I was already dead, so the best thing to do was get the job over with quickly and efficiently and go home. The next day, I brought it up with the crematory operator, and he laughed and said it was just the retorts cooling. It was kinda funny in hindsight, but hearing thumping sounds in the middle of the night, in a building that’s already filled with dead bodies, was freaky the first time."

"Is that rigor mortis, or are you just happy to see me?"

Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.